Podcast

Written & performed by me - Edith Shyly My number two…episode just for you - another dump of five poems (0:00) Shop before you drop (1:13) Claude (1:29) Edith’s jobs: The Biscuit Factory (2:52) Dumped in the bath (4:06) Nun in a supermarket (5:30) Outro Poem Transcripts: Shop before you drop Today I shopped before I dropped to a funeral shop I briefly popped I popped in before I pop off before I cough my final cough I might have walked right past the shop but an A-frame poster made me stop it said JUST FOR TODAY AN END OF LINE SALE 20% OFF AND A FREE CRATE OF ALE! well it’s never too early to plan ahead there’ll be plenty of time to rest when I’m dead do you want oak beech or bamboo basket or the eco-friendly cardboard casket silk cotton or wallpaper lining goose-down pillows for luxury reclining? I chose a large oak coffin with the finest cladding with a TV and WIFI in integral padding I said please deliver it NOW in your coffin van I want to enjoy it while I still can!     Claude I once had a cat I called him Claude a good name for a cat I thought he never clawed the sofa like I asked just PISSED on it as he walked past     Biscuit factory   A job came up in a biscuit factory I said now that sounds like just the job for me! but they said no Miss you’ll be working outside cleaning the portacabin bogs where the lorry drivers reside they’ve been pissing and shitting around the clock on a 24-hour rota since the year dot we haven’t had a cleaner here for five years or more so it’s no surprise there’s more shit here than floor well it took three or four weeks to shift some of the poo with a mop and a bucket the size of Peru ‘twas the only job where I’ve ever slogged where I didn’t spend any time sitting on the bog if you’d have seen the state of it you wouldn’t have either for the stench was so bad it would give you a seizure yes the risk of disease was genuinely high I could have expired and gone to that toilet in the sky and on my gravestone my epitaph might have read   she was a very good cleaner but now she is dead she didn’t get any free bickies she really was misled but she had a secret something she never said it was spotted after her death by the Finance head all the time she worked here she was getting double-pay yet when we handed over her wages she neglected to say so she won’t be in heaven she’ll be on the loo in hell some idiot made a boo-boo I think it was Michelle Dumped in the bath Have you ever been dumped in the bath? I can tell you now it's not much of a laugh even if you weren't a girlfriend so goody no-one deserves to be dumped in the nuddy I’m sitting there all ARSE and TITS when he says let’s call it QUITS oh was it the sight of my private bits or the overgrown hair on my muff and my pits? I really wished I’d never got in if we'd shared a shower we might still be a thing with steam to obscure my hairs and skin I’d also look a lot more thin instead he gives me a glance so foul and chucks me a crusty brown bobbly towel it doesn’t look clean its a little bit manky and it’s only the size of a dolls house hanky I wonder should I use it to wipe my eyes as getting dumped was a bit of a surprise or cover my left tit or my right or the back of my arse ‘twas all in full sight! it’s not a dilemma you ever want to have you'd rather be trapped in a nightclub lav yes it put me off baths for the rest of my days and made me dread a boyfriend’s gaze I’ll only share a shower if the lights aren't bright for strip lights aren’t great for my cellulite   Nun in a supermarket Nun in a supermarket stocking up on booze wonders which brand of gin to choose? Gordon's? London? Tanqueray? stick ‘em in the trolley - I haven’t got all day! I’m busy worshiping the Trinity ice and a slice and a shot or three! there’s Sister Joan in the sweetie aisle! basket full of chocolate three feet high she’ll later chuck it up in a bag.. there’s Sister Bernie buying tons of fags! she'll smoke herself into an early grave.. there’s Sister Anne - it's sex she craves! she's into Father Dick - that one's depraved.. our vices we don't get to choose chocolate fags or sex or booze? ‘tis the mystery of His master plan like why the Pope is always a man next week's retreat on bended knee we'll renew our vows most piously poverty chastity sobriety followed by a toga foam party! better look out for the special offers help conserve our convent coffers half-price packs of Monster Munch will fill the gap since Sunday lunch pity the heathens in the queue! must be miserable being you couples fighting arguing so glad I saved myself for Him!

Written & performed by me - Edith Shyly My debut dump of six short poems: * (0:00) Pearls before swine * (0:35) Bum-day * (1:11) GIVE ME CHOC! * (1:44) Thirst-day * (2:23) My furry pussy * (3:10) Edith's Jobs: The Public Library * (4:02) Outro Poem Transcripts: Pearls before swine I met an old friend over wine who is also poetically inclined I told her I now have poems online yes finally I have moved with the times she said putting poems online? that's like casting pearls before swine I said do you really think they're as good as that? she said NO I was talking about mine BUM-DAY Monday you should be renamed BUM-DAY for you chase all the fun and the sun away make me hit rock-bottom and feel so moody I want to pull a massive MOONY at you and me and everybody I’ll send it now from the seat of my pants they’ll probably see it in the South of France GIVE ME CHOC! GIVE ME CHOC! GIVE ME CHOC! don’t give a toffee or a toss if it’s flaked aerated castrated X-RATED ‘tis the finest food ‘twas ever created box tub boil-in-the-bag or bucket whatever it’s in I’ll suck it! savour it? share it? FUCK-OFF! forget it! I’ll masticate it quickly not that picky egg shaped or turd shaped? don’t care I’d still trough it no time to grab a plate or leave the shop it’s in my gob it’s GONE! THIRST-DAY Thursday I am renaming you THIRST-DAY for I’m feeling rather thirsty today three pots of tea and two pints of juice I’m downing more fluids than a hospital sluice twelve cups of coffee and six hot chocs please I might be requiring one or two wees milkshakes cans of pop I happily slurp please forgive the occasional BURP! Happy hour can’t come too soon I aim to drink more than the man in the moon to the ladies loo I am now going OMG it’s overflowing! My furry pussy I really love my furry pussy she makes my heart go soft and mushy yet she’s a pain in the arse and extremely fussy lives a pampered life that’s ever so cushy she purrs and pretends she only wants to please before sinking her claws right into my knees she wants me to vacate my seat so she can get comfy and fall asleep she brings me a gift the liver of a mouse the rest is somewhere else in the house I don’t know where she makes me guess I’ll eventually find the congealed mess but her face is so cute she’s hard to berate so I feed her titbits straight from my plate I really love my furry pussy living her fussy life so cushy there’s no-one else I would tolerate putting their arse so close to my face Edith’s Jobs: The Public Library Have you ever worked in a public library? if you did it would drive you blinkin’ barmy you’d get more peace if you joined the army serving customers should be so rewarding but trust me you’d prefer waterboarding I’m looking for a book but its name I can’t recall it’s about a girl with a pen pal in darkest Nepal on the front there’s a picture of a bat and two balls Ok madam well you’d better sit down it might take the rest of my life to track it down and to be honest I’ve got better things to do there’s my coffee to drink then I’m off for a POO